Life As A Turkey

When I was a young turkey,
new to the coop,
My big brother Mike
took me out on the stoop;

Then he sat me down,
and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was
something that I had to know.

His look and his tone
I will always remember,
When he told me of the
horrors of ... Black November;

"Come about August,
now listen to me,
Each day you'll get
six meals instead of just three."
 
"And soon you'll be thick,
where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery
thing under your chin;

And then one morning, when
you're warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer's wife,
and hack off your head."

"Then she'll pluck out your
feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides
and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

And then comes the worst part,"
he said not bluffing,
She'll spread your cheeks and
pack your rear with stuffing!"

Well, the rest of his words
were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like
a winged piece of meat;

I decided on the spot that
to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low
and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet
of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads,
juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries,
chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room
doing exercise tapes.
 
I maintained my weight
of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when
the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing,
under my breath,
As they chomped and they
chewed, ever closer to death.

And sure enough when
Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left
in the entire compound!

So now I'm a pet in
the farmer's wife's lap,
I haven't a worry,
so I eat and I nap.
 
She held me today,
while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said
"Christmas is coming ..."

Happy Thanksgiving!